


Radio Bob’s Ultimate And Amazing Plan To Get Your Crush To Like You Back

by fab_ia



Category: Time Bombs (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Teller is pining, expert plans for romance, friends supporting friends who are hopeless, i wrote this just to point out that they are Absolute Disasters, online guides for feelings, this is ridiculous and i fully acknowledge that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fab_ia/pseuds/fab_ia
Summary: '“Jesus Christ,” Bob says, "you've got it really bad, huh?""I'm not looking for me," Teller says hurriedly, "it's - for a friend."(Teller pines, Bob tries his best, and Midland is really just - Midland.)
Relationships: Mark Midland/Simon Teller, Simon Teller & Robert "Radio Bob" Hansen
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	Radio Bob’s Ultimate And Amazing Plan To Get Your Crush To Like You Back

“Jesus Christ,” Bob says, leaning over the back of the seat and peering at the desktop monitor before Teller has a chance to close out of the page and pretend he was doing _anything_ else, “you’ve got it really, _really_ bad, huh?”

There’s no real point in arguing, nor is there any way he can deny the fact he was looking at pages on ‘how to tell if someone’s gay’, ‘how to confess to your crush’, ‘when is too late to come out’, ‘help gay for a friend’ and ‘feelings for your coworker?’ although to his credit, he’ll argue that he _was_ at least doing it in a private browser tab. He looks up, a little guiltily, Bob giving him a look that’s probably more pitying than anything else as he glances between his face and the screen. Teller screws his face up.

“I’m not looking for me,” he says hurriedly. “It’s for a friend.”

So maybe his excuses need a little (a lot, a _lot)_ of work because Bob’s looking at him as if he’s honestly the stupidest man on Earth in complete silence. It would be hard to argue that at this point, considering the evidence is onscreen and probably written all over his face if Teller knows himself at all - he goes red easily, he _knows,_ especially when he’s uncomfortable - and, well, Bob’s not stupid by any stretch of the word and he’s definitely noticed his crush. Which he’s just made evident by pointing out exactly how gone he is.

“A friend,” Bob finally repeats, slow and still flat, raising an eyebrow while Teller shrinks away from the scrutiny he’s suddenly come under. “What friend, exactly? Because no offense, man, but you don’t seem like you have that many.”

“That’s rude,” Teller says, a token protest. “It’s, uh, it’s for my… brother. He’s gay. He’s. uh, got a crush on his coworker.”

“You know you’re a bad liar, right?”

“Yeah,” Teller sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

Bob gives him a sympathetic look for a second before he takes a slow sip of his drink, frowning at the page Teller’s got opened up and studying it for a few moments, mouthing a few paragraphs as he reads along. Teller considers how easy it would be to slip away and avoid the rest of this discussion - he really _doesn’t_ want to have to actually admit to the fact he’s in his thirties and he’s got a _crush_ on his coworker, who’s painfully cute and that Teller likes a lot. He’d rather not have to actually say it.

Bob doesn’t say anything, though, just reaches for the mouse and clicks into another tab, but doesn’t quite stop the derisive snort at this one.

“It looks like one of those ‘am I gay’ quizzes a twelve-year-old would take,” he says, biting his lip. “God I took, like, thirty of these when I was younger. Late nights just ‘cause I had a crush on the guy I sat next to in history class.”

Teller sighs. “I found out I liked guys at a Halloween party in junior year,” he says, leaning his head on his hand while Bob’s resting his chin on the top of his head, flattening his hair. “Y’know, the sort of party where they had shitty beer and you just sorta… leaned in and kissed a guy? I mean, don’t get me wrong, he was cute. I liked him.”

“Oh, as much as you like _Midland?”_ Bob says, teasing, and Teller chokes on his breath.

“Shut up! Don’t say his name!”

“He’s not even here,” Bob points out, ignoring Teller’s groan. It’s true - Midland had taken the day off with a claim that he was unwell, and non of the higher-ups were going to be able to call him on his bluff because he _did_ have the sick days to use. “It’s not like just saying ‘Midland’ means he’s gonna appear out of nowhere. He’s not got some kind of super-hearing.”

_“You don’t know that!”_

Making the - honestly - wise choice to ignore him, Bob clicks into another tab and hisses through his teeth as he scrolls through an article Teller had found on the dangers of dating in the workplace in the hope of convincing himself to stop having feelings for Midland altogether, never mind considering _telling_ him.

It hadn’t really worked, largely because the page is essentially just a warning for managers and superiors not to sexually harass coworkers or employees, focusing on highlighting how the length of someone’s skirt does _not_ mean they’re interested in a relationship, which doesn’t exactly apply to the situation Teller’s in. Not to say he doesn’t think Midland would look good in a skirt, because he’s fairly sure Midland would look good in anything, but. Still.

“‘Pro tip’,” Bob reads, “‘don’t compliment her legs, women don’t like that’. Holy shit, are these people okay?”

“You’re interrupting some very important research,” Teller says - definitely doesn’t whine - and closes his eyes. “Bob, I’m begging you, I swear to God. Please.”

“I’m _helping,”_ Bob tuts. “If I see what you’ve been reading, maybe I’ll be able to give you advice!”

“Please don’t.”

“Oh, shush,” Bob grins. “I’m an expert. You’ll be dating in no time!”

“Oh, God,” Teller mumbles, and hides his face in his hands.

It’s three-thirty in the morning, a few days later, when Teller’s phone buzzes beneath his pillow, startling him from the doze he’d barely managed to fall into and he doesn’t even bother to stop the groan that escapes him as he pulls it out and squints at it.

**\- hey boss**

**\- so**

**\- I've made my Ultimate Plan to get you and midland together**

_\- Oh God_

_-_ **no no no i promise this is good**

_\- Bob please its 3am can't we do this tomorrow_

Judging by the link Bob sends him seconds later they absolutely can’t, and Teller sends a silent prayer that he won’t feel too shitty at work the next day as he opens it up and starts to read through it.

_Step one,_ he reads, _be yourself!_

Teller considers throwing his phone across the room so he doesn’t have to pay attention to any of the rest because he’s already tried that one, he tries that every day, and Midland spends half the time ignoring him, arguing with him, or attempting to pretend he doesn’t exist, full-stop. So - step one, he’s decided, is a total, steaming, heap of shit.

“I’m not dealing with this right now,” he declares to nobody in particular - the room as a whole, empty as it is, or maybe to Bob even though there’s not a hope in hell that he would be heard. “In the morning. I’ll read this in the morning.”

* * *

_Radio Bob’s Ultimate And Amazing Plan To Get Your Crush (HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!!!!) To Like You Back,_ the top of the document reads, and Teller stares at the bold and underlined text for a long few moments in absolute silence. He’s sure, if it were for anyone else, Bob would have gone all-out and made a separate, multicolored title page, but he’s glad Bob knows him well enough that he hasn’t done that.

Step one, he already knows, is ‘be yourself’, which is advice he resents because who else is he going to be? He’s already, entirely unapologetically, _Simon Teller,_ he’s never shied away from that fact, and he’s pretty certain Midland hates that guy, so the advice should really be ‘don’t be yourself, be _literally_ anyone else’.

The second point is where Teller notices they aren’t actually listed as a step-by-step plan at this point and when he reads it he looks up toward the roof of the van - where he’s been abandoned and left alone with his thoughts while Bob and Midland go on their coffee run - and wonders what cruel power has forced _this_ to be his life. 

‘Laugh at his jokes’, Bob’s written, except Midland doesn’t so much tell jokes as he does just make sarcastic and bitter comments about things while pretending he doesn’t notice that he’s doing it until someone catches his smirk a few moments later. ‘Put yourself out there’, ‘make eye contact’, ‘tell him about your feelings’. 

Teller makes the executive decision that he now hates Bob with every fiber of his being. 

“One cappuccino,” the man in question declares as he passes the cup over to him when he and Midland get back to the van. “Oh, are you reading something, boss?”

“Mmhm,” he says. “Something that’s pretty bad, actually.”

_“Bad?!”_

Midland glances between the two of them before he shakes his head, sighing quietly as he looks out of the front window into the distance. “You guys are really weird,” he says, amused. “I assume this is some kinda joke I wasn’t here for. Y’know, boss, I didn’t realize you could actually read.”

“I only just learned, actually,” Teller grins, trying to hide it behind his cup, “I can only just do it above a fifth-grade level.”

“I’ll get you a nice picture book for your birthday, make it nice and easy for you,” Midland says. Bob snickers and Teller thinks _huh, he knows when my birthday is,_ before he mentally kicks himself for being quite that desperate. Of course Midland knows his birthday.

His phone buzzes and he tries harder than he thinks he should need to not to roll his eyes as he looks down at it.

**\- WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE GUIDE?**

_\- Bob._

_\- Half of it was literally just from cosmo_

**\- AND WHAT ABOUT IT???**

_\- The rest was just you telling me I should confess_

**\- and i see you aren't taking the hint**

_\- Because he's straight???!!_

**\- are you SERIOUS.**

Teller considers deleting the guide off of his phone altogether and saying ‘fuck it’ while he looks up articles on how to get over a crush, instead, because there is no way in _hell_ he’s ever going to genuinely consider telling Midland how he feels. It doesn’t mean he hasn’t thought about it - he has, several times, with almost all of the imagined scenarios ending in rejection and leaving him with a hollow and dull pain in his chest. Plus, there’s the knowledge that, in the most likely scenario where Midland doesn’t feel the same but tries to act professionally after Teller confesses anyway, work would be uncomfortable at best and end up with one of them getting seriously hurt at worst. He’s not about to sacrifice safety and _stability_ just because of his own feelings. 

He’d rather continue to pine in silence than admit to having feelings for Midland outside of friendship or the professional, working relationship the two of them have, so Bob’s advice is _essentially_ all null and void. Absolutely terrible, even. The worst. 

‘how to get over a crush’ he searches, ensuring the screen is angled in a way nobody’s going to be able to catch a glimpse of it, but the first page that he’s suggested is ‘how to know when it’s more than a crush’. He shouldn’t click on it - he _knows_ he shouldn’t click on it. 

He does. 

It turns out, maybe unsurprisingly, that it’s painfully likely Teller’s actually a little bit in love with Midland and has been for a while. He stares at the list for a few moments and can only really muster thoughts of _huh_ as he does. It makes sense, he figures, considering he’d liked him before he even finished his probation period. Midland is sarcastic, cynical, and cautious in equal measures - maybe it shouldn’t work, but it does. Plus, he’s cute, and Teller’s incredibly fond of how his nose scrunches up a little when he gets frustrated or when he’s trying to pretend he isn’t amused. 

_Oh my God, I’m in love with Midland,_ he thinks. _Why do I feel weirdly okay with this? I should really be more concerned about how this makes me a total creep instead of just feeling glad I finally fucking realized._

“Uh,” Midland says, “you good, boss? Only, you’ve been pretty quiet and your face is - well, it’s kinda going on this _journey_ right now, which is cute and all, but I’m getting worried you’re about to explode.”

“I’m good,” Teller says, and grins at him. “Aw, Midland, you were getting worried about _me?_ That’s real sweet of you.”

Midland hums. “I regret it now. I prefer it when you’re quiet, it stops you being so… eh, uh, annoying doesn’t feel strong enough.”

“Ouch. Love you too, Midland.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Teller sees Bob pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes shut - likely in exasperation or just general irritation at how he’s decided to stick to the usual dynamic between them instead of following his ‘brilliant plan’ although if he’d really wanted it to be used, it should have been better, in Teller’s opinion, which he thinks is a very relevant one considering he was the one who was supposed to _use_ it. 

Bob protests Teller’s choice to stop using his ‘really great guide’, which man’s he whines about it over drinks, pouting and using his best pitiful look to try and manipulate Teller into changing his mind. After twenty minutes of pouting and Bob almost making himself cry, he agrees to at least keep it downloaded. 

“It’s not that bad,” Bob insists, while Teller ignores him in favor of watching a drop of beer run down the edge of the glass to pool on the already-sticky table. “You’re just - emotionally stunted. _Nuts.”_

“Careful,” Teller says, “you’ll hurt my feelings.”

“So what’s your grand plan to get with him, then?”

“Hm?” Teller blinks, frowning for a second. “Oh, I don’t really have one. Keep going? Hope for the best?”

“Maybe you should try dropping hints you’re single and desperate near Valentine’s Day,” Bob says, tilting his head to one side and looking Teller up and down. “I mean, it’s believable enough. You _are_ single and desperate, maybe he’ll take pity on you and you can hook up -“

“You know, I love you, Bob,” Teller says, fake smile firmly in place, “but _please_ shut up.” 

“Oh, come on,” Bob says, “it’s in all the movies! You hook up, he discovers he has feelings for you too, you fall in love -“

“I ruin a perfectly good friendship with a colleague…”

Bob pulls a face. “Pessimism isn’t attractive.”

“We’ll agree to disagree,” Teller shrugs, finishing off the remains of his beer - mediocre if he’s feeling kind, absolute _shit_ if he’s going to be honest, so he tries his best to hide the grimace - and slowly stands from their table, pulling on his jacket as he does, tugging the cuffs down over his hands a bit. “It’s something I happen to find _very_ attractive.”

He stretches, pretends he doesn’t want to groan with the sudden relief cracking his back brings because _god,_ he’s been sitting longer than he realized, and smiles a little more genuinely at Bob. 

“Thanks for all the advice, though,” he says. “I’ll use your guide as a bedtime story.”

“You’re such a jerk,” Bob says, affectionate, and headbutts his arm before he walks away.

**Author's Note:**

> please dont take this too seriously it's meant to point out them being as chaotic as possible and i just love them so very much


End file.
